Do you remember the show, The Brady Bunch? They were the epitome of the perfectly imperfect blended family, who always found a way to unite during a crisis. During the show we never saw Carol or Mike Brady age or deal with a major health crisis. In retrospect, I believed blended families could live in harmony and resolve crises as one family. It made sense to me. After all, my only experience on blended families at the time, came from watching the Brady Bunch. It wasn’t until I became a caregiver in a blended family later in life, that I realized just how complicated things could be. 

Blended family caregivers face a unique set of challenges when they merge.

Caring for a loved one has its difficulties without complicating it by adding a new family to the mix. Family members attempt to maintain their original dynamics while maneuvering to find their place within the new family. It can be quite challenging if each set of parents comes into the new marriage with children. The children’s ages at the time of blending, determine how deep the cracks may form later in life. In many cases, younger children seem to have better success blending than the older ones. A seemingly typical family can be divided when stepchildren interact with their new parent. The cracks may not be visible at first but can show up when one or both parents become older. When their health comes into play, caregiving becomes complicated.

Usually, one child takes on the heaviest burden of caring for one or both parents but a blended family is more complicated. 

In almost all caregiving circumstances, it becomes more complicated when a blended family is involved. Often caregiving is split between children from each parent. Managing a parent’s care plan becomes more difficult when children prioritize one parent’s care over the other.

Caregivers have success when coordinating the duties of care utilizing each sibling’s skill set. For example, if a sibling is proactive and excels at time management and scheduling, the caregiver and parent will benefit from that sibling’s input. If another sibling excels at research and medical jargon, the caregiver and parent will benefit from that input as well. Every caregiver, even the most reluctant ones, have a skill set that will greatly benefit their parent’s care. Tapping into these skills makes a proactive approach the best way to help parents during their time of need. Unless everyone is a willing participant, however, it can be difficult to coordinate a blended family’s care journey.

Trying to force everyone to participate in their parent’s care could ultimately backfire and reveal itself as resentment rather than as support.

There are several factors that make navigating caregiving in blended families challenging. The first factor, resentment, fractures the most seemingly stable family relationships. Once fractured, the chances are slim for reconciliation unless each parent’s wishes are known to their caregivers. It is imperative to have a care plan in place before remarrying. In my blended family, there was no such plan in place for my dad nor his new wife. Because medical conditions for both parents forced our blended siblings to handle each parent’s care journey separately, emotions ran high for all of us. This caused already unstable relationships to fracture even more with our blended siblings.

Emotions, personalities, and medical diagnoses made our blended care journey even trickier. 

Another factor in navigating blended families is the wishes of the parent or stepparent during a health crisis. As a caregiver, it is crucial to know a parent’s preferences prior to their medical needs and definitely before a crisis. Advanced planning or Advanced Directive is a legal document that explains how you want your medical decisions to be made if you are unable to make them for yourself. This document removes potential problems that blended siblings may experience. Asking tough questions regarding a parent’s final wishes before the need arises, is crucial for all families. It takes the guesswork out of who will make those decisions for you, and is critical, especially when it comes to blended family emotions.

During a health crisis, differences in caregiving and expectations may arise between parent, adult children, and stepparent. Neither parent may be on board with the care plan or the wishes of the children trying to care for them. This creates further fracturing in the Brady façade.

Emotions run high, confusion sets in, and life and death decisions may need to be made quickly. 

Coordinating with siblings can be a complication all by itself but when you add blended siblings to the equation it takes on a life of its own and can escalate emotional reactions. This will complicate the reaction time for the parent’s care.

And you thought Daytime Soaps were dramatic!!! 

Try merging two families together with aging parents and both needing care. It is next to impossible. That is an entire level of complication for which there is no handbook. It can be tricky trying to give care to a parent you are not familiar with. Asking the right questions prior to a need will save you anxiety and resentment later.

Not all blended family caregivers will experience these challenges, while some may find new ones to maneuver. 

My hope is that at the very least, these challenges will guide your blended family in caring for your aging parent in a more productive way. We realized that a proactive approach is always easier than a reactive one… especially within a blended family. Our blended siblings came together to talk about caring for our parent and here are the criteria we decided on.

• Have a flexible schedule and care plan in place as soon as possible.
• Check your emotions at the door. The focus is on each parent’s care so give yourself a break from the guilt if they don’t buy into your idea of care. While independence can be frustrating to the children, it is just what keeps the parents going at times.
• Remember blended family dynamics are at play. Communication is crucial here in understanding where each sibling’s emotions are in each stage of care. Some may be proactive and in charge, while others may be more reactive because that is all their emotional state can handle.
• Consider that your parents oversee their own healthcare. If you wish to alter their ideas about their care, it is possible to find someone who speaks their language. Often it is the presentation of ideas that will determine its success or failure.
• The level of your parent’s care, expectations and wishes should be discussed prior to a medical need. Having those difficult conversations on the front end will lessen the burden of care on the back end of their care journey.
• Know who the healthcare advocate is for each parent and what their roles are before the need arises.
• Caregivers should determine and practice healthy boundaries while navigating their parent’s care. This will keep their personal life intact and enhance relationships that otherwise may begin to fracture.
• The parents should be in on all conversations regarding their care, so they continue to feel as independent as possible and included in their own care.

Here are some of the plans we put in place, that is, with our parents’ approval:

Rotation Schedule: Every six months, we create a sibling rotation schedule that we use as visitation so each child could be a part of their care. The siblings agreed on a scheduled weekend that included supplying a meal and help with any projects that need attention. At first dad and his wife fought the idea, but after the six-month trial, they happily agreed to continue the “visits”. We printed a copy of the calendar and who was scheduled to visit and placed it on their refrigerator for easy access.

Appointments: A separate health advocate (POA) kept track of all appointments, medications, allergies, and health conditions. A separate POA was the point of contact for each parent and could disseminate the information in one email to all blended siblings. This kept things simple.

Medications List: A separate spreadsheet was created for each parent. It listed (in alphabetical order) each medication they were taking, its purpose, dosage, and frequency. Included was the reorder date and quantity. There was an EMS copy of this list on their refrigerator along with their DNR paperwork. EMS was contacted a few times and found this information extremely helpful when triaging each parent. This list can be a life-or-death situation if the parent is non-responsive!

Durable POA: Not only is it important to have a health advocate for your parent, but it is equally important to have a financial advocate as well. If your parent is unable to make financial decisions on their own or to pay bills in a timely manner, a Durable POA can lessen the anxiety.

Blended families certainly have their own dynamics, but it is my hope that the information here will help guide you in your care journey. While everyone’s journey ebbs and flows, finding gratitude in the smallest things will help create the memories you hold onto for a lifetime when your parent is no longer with you. Remember, you are not alone in this journey!